I’m not good at being vulnerable so here goes…

The saddest thing about this picture, which was taken four years ago on a kayak, is that it was as happy as I could look. I tried… I really did, but I couldn’t muster up a smile. I don’t want to say I was depressed, but I was definitely stressed. It was a bad time. I could barely sleep.

I sleep so deeply and soundly for the first time in 4 years now. I don’t know if my lack of sleep was insomnia from getting older and the melatonin naturally leaving my body or if it was the stress that I was under subconsciously tormenting me in my dreams. Maybe it was the wine I drank before I went to bed every night to numb the stress and concern, I had for my family.

Stress is a funny thing; it affects you in ways you don’t even realize. I had chronic back problems, chronic headaches, my body felt like it was 90 years old. The weight of my life was a lot to carry. I’ve been blessed in many ways, but in some ways, I felt that I carried a curse. But I wanted it all to come after me and spare my children and my family. I was willing to endure anything, “come for ME,” I thought often. I’d rather the devil come for me, give his best shot and leave my family at peace… that’s how I felt. That’s the truth... I’m a fighter. At least the Devil knows I’m not an easy target anymore.

I do breathe differently now but even though the circumstances have changed, it’s difficult to learn to not worry. It is not like things change and then you mentally change overnight; it’s a process and I think that I’m still going through that process. Kinda like PTSD to a certain extent. You’re out of the war, but the effects of it still weigh on you and affect you and your everyday life.

Although the stress in our lives has gotten exponentially better, to appreciate that will take a little bit of retraining.

I’m so used to fighting I don’t know how to “not” fight. You’ll have to read the book if you want to know what I’m talking about… not being melodramatic, but it’s just way too much for a single post.

#CutthroatBook #Cutthroat #ComingSoon